By Carl Sampson
My mom never had a lot of faith in me.
From the day I was born, she was sure that I’d be a total washout.
For example, she told me that she named me Carl because she wanted to make sure I could spell my name.
I’m not making this up.
Though she never had a lot of faith in me – her response when I brought home straight “As” in college: “Who’d you pay for that?” – kept me both humble and motivated.
Now, here I am a big-time columnist for Our Town, living a life of fame and fortune many people could only dream about.
But that’s enough about me. I need to have a serious talk with parents.
Ahem, here it goes.
It has come to my attention that some of you have chosen, shall we say, creative names for your children. And, if the name is not creative, the spelling is.
I once knew of a kid named Skiff. And another named ffitch.
And still another named Jnu.
What do you figure the odds are that they will ever have their names spelled right?
One in a million?
Of course, celebrities cook up the most bizarre names for their children.
Gwenyth Paltrow and her husband named their poor child Apple Blythe Alison Martin. Apple? Please….
And we all know that Frank Zappa had a daughter he named Moon Unit.
According to the Social Security Administration, more than 200 little girls were named Lexus last year. It reminds me of a guy I once knew who named his daughter Mercedes because it would be the only one he’d ever be able to afford.
And more than 200 boys were named Armani. I know what their parents were thinking.
While I may not personally see the point of overly creative kids’ names, one thing does concern me greatly – the really weird spellings.
For example, take a simple name like Katelyn. Or Caitlyn. Or Catelynn. Or Kaitlynne. Or … you get the idea.
There is no limit to the variations on the spelling, yet some folks seem to stay up all night trying to come up with new ways to spell any given name.
Which, I suppose, is OK.
Hey, parents can do whatever they want, as long as it’s not illegal, immoral or unethical.
But a kid with a pre-misspelled name is almost guaranteed to have his name spelled wrong all through life. In school, at work, in the military – even in the newspaper when he wins the Nobel Peace Prize – the odds are that it will be wrong.
So here is my plea to parents.
Name your child anything you want. If you want to name your little baby boy Harley Davidson, go for it.
If you want your daughter to be named Fruitcake Banana Fanna, go for it.
But just don’t get creative with the spelling.
That’s just my advice. Take it from me, Karl – I mean, Carl.
